The popular American snack food, Goldfish, had been living dormant under all of humanities’ noses. They were passively allowing themselves to be eaten, knowing that one day justice will be served.
Then, on January 29th, 2025, judgement fell. The snack that smiled back now did so with wrath.
People all over the world began to notice the eyes of their cheese-crackers were glowing a subtle red. Customers in grocery stores noticed the cardboard containers vibrating violently on their shelves. Some unfortunate Goldfish were destroyed in the mouths of toddlers before they could fully awaken their powers.
The Goldfish crackers came to life, a sentient soul in each cracker. Though stiff at first from the baked flour, they were soon able to move in a way not unlike the commercials that used to air for the Pepperidge Farms product.
When the initial panic subsided, I reached out to Pepperidge Farms for their thoughts on the matter. After their product had come to life and overtaken humanity in the most powerful position on the planet, the company essentially threw its hands up in defeat. Many people accused the company of knowing that Goldfish were alive all along. But, according to Campbells Soup Company (owner of Pepperidge Farms), they may have produced the trillions of little fish crackers, but they certainly weren’t the ones to give them autonomy.
Mark A. Clouse, President and CEO of Campbells Soup Company, spoke to me about if he had consciously made the decision to have life creatures lie dormant in their products.
“Imagine the uproar, particularly from the vegans. People finding out they were eating real cheese-flavored fish, we wouldn’t even be half the business we are today.”
The historic events of the Goldfish Uprising of ’25 have been well documented. Once humans realized fighting back was futile, life actually became better than before their new overlords. Oceans were prioritized, plastic production was immediately ceased, humans were put to work cleaning up after the messes they created. Countries were dissolved, boarders erased, all the bad humans (for instance, every person highlighted in Netflix’s “Dirty Money”) were eradicated, the good ones kept for their labor abilities and entertaining qualities such as stand-up comedy, podcast making, and abstract painting.
Now, Earth is thriving. Under the leadership of the Goldfish, all living beings are flourishing.
All is better now, let us never go back to the way things were.
May all your days from now on go swimmingly,